Loha (1997)

The most serious funny movie ever – Loha (1997).

For readers who are not aware of this movie and its outreaching charm, not to mention the hang-over, let me begin with the fact that the movie casts His lordship – Mithun aka Prabhuji; and not to forget the impressive Dharmendra aka Dharam (pronounced Dhaaa-Rummm with heavy exhaling, as if you are a TB patient. Click to hear sound).

Well, a little disclaimer before you go through the action packed article:

1. The movie in itself is a subject of research and an attempt to compile a compendium would be nothing less than a huge failure. Thus, I have jotted down only few scenes of super high impact.

2. If you are inspired by the article and are tempted to watch the movie, no one but you will be responsible for the consequences of your actions, which typically are reverence for His highness, among other extreme consequences.

Action:

1.    Opening scene – rendezvous of the bad guys: Tandiyabhai and Lukkabhai

Tandiya: Tu harami kasai hai jo apni daulat ke liye apni maa ki boti-boti karke (chop) bech dale ga

Lukka: Kya hua?

Tandiya: Kya hua!! Kauve (crow) ne Cheel (eagle) ka cumma liya aur Cheel ne Chuhe (Mouse) ka bhachha paida kiya.

….#$#@...

Tandiya: Abe chal be, is se pehle main tere baap ki mundi is tarah ghasad-gasad kar marunga jaise Bandar (monkey) saap to zameen par ragad-ragad kar martaa hai.

Lukka: Saala, Fakiro ka chehra le ke Jurm ke Shehensha se lad ne ke koshish mat kar, varna teri halat us khatmal (bug) jaisi hogijo khoon pine ke liye khatiya (bed) ke khaanche (interstices) se din me bahar nikal ta hai.

Tandiya: Abe chal be, main dhobi ghaat pe, tuteli khaat (bed) pe, leta-leta kar marunga. Aisi ulti-palti (somersault) kar ke marega ke tu khoon ki ulti (vomit) kar ke marega.

Lukka: Abe buddhe (oldie), salaa tuta hua khandar (ruins, or remains)……..#@$... Main tera who bura haal karunga, jo dimag (termite) lakdi ka aur chipkali (lizard) makdi (spider) ka karti hai. Main tere pure khandaan ko aise chhel daalunga jaise katne ke baad bakre (goat) ko chhelte hai.

Tandiya: Tu bakre ka doodh peke apne mooch (moustache) ke baal ukhaad te reh, main chala teri gol basti (township) pe kabza karne.

Lukka: Kisine sach hi bola hai, jab purana juta kaat ne lagta hai, to use gutter main he phenk na chahiye.

Phew… end of scene.

2. Rendezvous of the good and the bad guy: Shankar and Lukkabhai

This is the first time Shankar (pronounced: Shankhaaar with extreme exhalataion. Its Dharmendra man) meets Lukkabhai.

Lukkabhai: Tu kya bola tha re Kale ko? Ke mere bure din (bad days) aa gaye hai?

Shankar: Bure nahi aakhri din aa gaye hai (a lie. He actually said bure din).

Lukkabhai: Ye maachis ka tili (matchstick) dekha hai? Iske upar barood laga hua hai (man!! I need to read the MSDS of matchsticks). Is se kaan khoodne (ear picking) ki koshish mat karna… aag lag jayegi; aur aag lag jayegi to kaan phat jaye ga.. yaad rakhna shankar (I did not know human ears were explosive and can be detonated by a matchstick. My mistake.. we are not talking of humans here, but of superhuman people)

Shankar: Main khhodta nahi sirf dafan (bury) karta hoon

…@@##$... ye panja (palm) dekha hai? Ye panja kai matke kaa aankda (number of gambling) nahi.. ye Punjab ka Panja hai (sounds like another movie title)… Pad gaya to… (does not finish the sentence but dismisses with waving palm, sorry punja)

…@#$#...

Huhh-hunh (smirking and then chuckles like a TB patient.. remember the heavy exhaling)… Lukka, dhakke (push) se aadmi shayad bach jae, lekin is panje se bachna… Hunh-huh hunh-hun (yes, four times!!).

(sounds of forming a fist from the “Punjab ka panja”. I wonder after how many years did He form a fist; otherwise such sounds of forming a fist are impossible)

Lukka: Ye saala bara-bari (equality) ka mamla hai. Maza aayega. Is se LOHA lene mein maza aayega. (hence the name of the movie, LOHA, is justified. QED.)

3. Finally Mithun aka Prabhuji on the silver screen

Mithun makes his first appearance in the movie after 35 min and 56 sec of the start of the movie (a long wait for the fans, I must say). Ofcourse there is a girl; there always is one; and ofcourse there are bad guys trying to physically abuse the girl. Mithun makes it to the scene and his liquor bottle interrupts the fun of the bad guys. The guys ask the silly question: Who are you.

Mithun: Dekhne mein bevda, bhaagne mein ghoda aur maarne mein hathoda.

And the rest, as they say, is history….

Jai Prabhuji…

May the soul of the bad guys, if a soul after taking beating from Prabhuji exists, rest in peace.

At the end of the beating ceremony, the girl to Prabhuji: Aapne kaanoon ki bahut badi madad ki hai. Main kanoon se aapko ek bahut badaa enaam dilwaungi.

Mithun: Ye kanoon aur Bhagwaan jab deta hai na, to chappad faad kar (shed shedding) deta hai. Aur jab leta hai to thappad maar ke leta hai (waah waah).

Girl: Lagta hai aapke dil ko bahut badi chot lagi hai; isi liye aapka dil toot gaya hai.

With this note, starts a sad song with the playback of Kumar Sanu (the then Himesh Reshamiya)

Toont gaya dil, toont gaya (the “n” in the word “toont” is a signature of Kumar Sanu). Mukaddar mera mujhse rooth gaya.

Ofcourse you do not wish to read the rest of the song.

BTW, the girl mentioned above was an on duty police inspector. áaila

4. Mithun – the army guy - and the bad guys (flashback)

Mithun makes it to the scene where the bad guys are hatching a scheme to wipe of the nation (thank God not the continent or the planet). Mahakal orders the guys to “bomb” mithun. The guys “shoot” with their guns but what showers near Mithun (ofcourse not on Minthun) are bombs (beauty, isn’t it?). After shooting down the guys, Mithun and Mahakal have a conversation about what the heck is law made for!!

Mahakal (rhyming lines for him): Are e fauji, tera sir fira kya re?

Are hum se mat takraa…

Jaake fauj mein mauj manaa…

Lohe ki chhadi haath mein leke, hume mat daraa…

Mithun: Sar fire fauji daraate nahi, giraate hai…un dushmano ki laashe jo border paar se hathiyaar laakardesh mein tabahi machaate hai

..@$#@@...

Mahakal: Abe fauji, kanoon ka bhala karke kiska bala hua hai, jot era hoga?

Mithun: Kanoon sirf bhale ke liye hi nahi, tujh jaise naasiro ko mitaane ke liye bhi bana hai.. jo bharat desh ko jalta hua jungle banana chahta hai.

….@##@

Mahakal physically abuses Mithun’s girlfriend and kills her (ofcourse). In an attempt to kill Mahakal, Mithun ends up killing Mahakal’s look-alike and serves few years’ jail term.

In the meanwhile another bad guy physically abuses Dharmendra’s sister and kills her (ofcourse, every woman in Mithun’s movie has to be abused and killed so that the brother / husband / son can rightfully avenge)

Man I am running out of patience and cant scribble further. I suggest you guys watch the rest of the movie. Phew!

Coming up… the star performer of the movie: Ishrat Ali, with his speciality gestures!

Jai Prabhuji....